worlds left unsaid, i hate myself.

this blog entry is for no one. i hope no one reads it ever. not even syavash. i know tehres no point in writing it oever here but my diary is too far away(i think i am going to mkae a new blog, of which's link i am not going to give to anyone or maybe keep it private) but as for now, i am too upset(and too lazy, as always) to get up n get my diary n write(with a pen; i prefer typing instead of writing).
Anyways, i am not upset because of anyone. anyone but me. its  no one's fault except a mere misunderstanding and a bit of mine. thus, "i hate myself." and i have to change. these days, not only am i overly emotional and full of acne, i have got another problem. i have started to be way too much sensitive, like my mami :s i get offended when my bestfriend calls me "crazy" though if it was anyone else, i know i wouldnt have so thats a problem. why am i getting offended by what my BESTFRIEND SAYS, SOMEONE I LOVE More thna anyone else in this fuckd up world!!! thats JUST SO WRONG/ i have to correct myself. this my goal, not gonna get offended by stupid stuff and not gonna take everything negatively. i am turning into a BIGGGG fat ass pessimist!!! an asshole. anddd saima mami though shes not an asshole but i am starting to adapt some of her bad habits which even she probably wishes she din have or atleast because of which her husbad isnt himself when hes with her, he feels uncomfortable to be with anyone else when shes there n its not because of love, its because shes overly possesive and he gets scared she might mind. so heres a list of things why i hate myself and why i got to correct myself or else i'll loos my bestfriend. becuase even now though i was really sorry, from the core of my heart, he dint even let me try much and went away because its turning into a regular thing and so my words were this time, left unsaid. though, thinking positivly(wow i cant believe i am being optimist, this goal thing must be really working) as paulo coelho said "the strongest love is love that can demonstrate its fragility" but i guess being fragile and being stupid are two dfrnt things and i should stop getting offended by what anyone says. i know i promised myself i'd never chnage, not even one bit, not even the bad habits like rebelling or disobeying because i believe that thats the stuff that makes me who i am and those who truly love me would ignore it and forgive me and accept me for who i am. but this is for someone special, some one i cant afford to loose, because if  i do, i'll loose all of myself, not just the bad habits. i know he has got some bad habits too like not doing any laad to me even if i ASK for it, and not just once, a lot of times but i love him more and i need him more than he needs me probably and even though he is always trying to win the argument but i'd rather loose the argument than loose him. so this is for syavash, i am changing myself for him and i hope it pays off.


my first try of being optimistic: i know what happened was bad, i hate fighting with my bestfriend. but then again, "what happens, happens for the best." looking in the past, all of our previous fights have only brought as closer, atleast thats what my opinion is. and they have only made me understand him better though i only got to know the bad parts about him because of that but i really do hope it was for the best. after all these fights are the ones compelling me to change myself. though my eyes are teary now, while we were talking he was in a rush so he dint let me finish trying to cheer me up and went away and now i wont get to see him and talk to him because mama is scolding me and asking me to switch the pc off aand go to sleep. and tmrw is gonna be a busy day becuase i have to buy my uniform and everything and then he'll be off to arabia so now i dont know when i'll see him again. i hate this. i hate myself. i hate fighting with him. i dont want to loose him or turn our relationship into that of faisal mamoo mami :/ i dont want to finish "us" so this is my sacrifice, for "us." i hope it pays off. the quicker i change these habits, the better. and since i am changing these for syavash i might as well thank him, "thanks Syavash.i love you."

CONTEST TIME :D

hey everybody, this post is for a logo making contest at www.deviantart.com and I am a part of it. this is the shirt i designed http://theindusperson.deviantart.com/art/get-deviantified-263249677 so please check it out and votee!! :D if you have an acnt on dA thats awesome, if not, please make one and vote, it wont take more than 5 minutes. and would be even better if you all help me spread the word ;) I gotta go now, campaign.
toodles! 

The Facebook Era

As defined by the Free Online dictionary, an era is a period of time characterized by particular  circumstances, events or personages. Through out the history of the world, there  have been numerous eras in different areas around the globe. The Mughal Era is an example of one of the eras the Indian Subcontinent has lived through. The Christian era is another example of an Era. There are numerous such examples of eras like The Colonial era of U.S history and many more. 

With utter disappointment and shame I have to admit that the current era I am living in is The Facebook Era. Facebook, which was once upon a time merely a way of connecting between the students of the Harvard university has now become an absolute necessity. If you are not online for a day or two, your comrades start calling you to check whether you are ok, whether you are alive, whether you are at your home or lying on a hospital bed with a drip injected in your wrist. In short, people start to worry about you, big time. Not only is Facebook now important for those who want to continue with their social life, its also essential to know whats going on around the world. Not only have the facebook wallposts replaced letters and emails, they have also replaced news papers. Around 2 years ago I myself used to read the morning newspaper but now all i do is devour my breakfast while scrolling down my Facebook homepage on my new Ipod touch. Facebook has also become a way of advertising for companies and brands like Nike, Canon and the favorite coffeehouse of us all ; Starbucks. All our role models, favorite singers, soccer players, bands, and inspirations now have a Facebook page to update us;their fans about their novels, albums, songs, and  even what message their pet cats have for us.

People have become so addicted to Facebook that according to a recent research in Japan, their brains are as addicted to Facebook as those of a person addicted to intoxicants such as Marijuana and Opium. Creative young people with wild imagination and hidden talents like me and many others of my age who have the ability to do stuff  much more productive than think of the best caption for their Facebook profile picture are wasting  away their precious time liking "Facebook likes". Facebook has become such a huge waste of time especially for youngsters that in certain countries for example China, they have banned this website.

As for me, I am done wasting my life on Facebook and from now on I promise you, my dear readers, and I promise myself that I am not going to spend more than two hours a day on Facebook and I am going to start again with making short films, drawing anime, reading, writing and continuing with my other hobbies. As for the rest of you, I have given you your wake up call. Stop wasting your life on Facebook, years from now when your grand children ask you what your favorite hobby was in your youth, you'll feel ashamed to tell them that all you used to do at teh time was use Facebook. Now is the time, make something out of yourselves. I believe each one of you souls out there has got a talent, something  they are good at, something other than uploading cool statuses!! Use it. Use your talent and make a name for yourself. Become somebody. Show the world that there is more to you than what they think. That you are a successful individual who made something of his self and that you ain't a nobody. And that nothing could stop you from being awesome, not even the Facebook Addiction.

Was Salam, Minahil Ghafoor.

a start at video making

hey guys! Guess what? i am back to video making and this is the first one I made, check it out Yo!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYfENkq9-Sk


Peace! ;)

Project 1- another dream being chased.

heyy everybody, sorry I haven't posted much in a while, it's not like I am busy or anything, its just that I didn't really have anything to write about. So instead of being completely useless, I have been working on my photography. Sometimes I really wish I could post those pictures here, but then again, I can't risk them getting stolen.

Anyways, back to the topic; "Project 1-". I don't remember whether I have told you that one of my goals in life is to make my own clothing line. I have a name for it but once again I am too afraid to post it here incase it gets stolen since I don't have it legally registered or anything so as for now i have named it as Project 1-. I plan to work on it properly once I am done with my A levels/high school though today I made one unofficial tank top for the clothing line and this is my unforgettable dreamer moment. There is no lesson in this post or a story , I am just writing about it to make it more memorable. I love the shirt and all my other designs for Project 1. The idea for Project 1 struck me when I was out shopping with my brother and I couldnt find a single t-shirt which I might actually like. Its not that I am choosy, Its just that the kind off clothes and designs that I want to wear are hard to find; a mixture of punk, goth, graffiti and a little rockstarish effect. I was mad at all the Pakistani female designer wears and clothing lines such as StoneAge because the kind of shirts I wanted to buy were only present in the men's wear section of those stores so I decided to make my own clothing line when I grow up, for independent personalities and dreamers like Myself.

Thats all for today plus I found this really great quote which I would like to put here though it doesnt really go with the topic much:
"Behind every creative adult is a child who survived."-Unknown source.
Farvel folks =) see you soon, stay blessed!

Stay Strong.

hey hi everyone. Another big thing just happened. i heard that person who was  a big part of my dreams say that he doesnt want to talk to me. for no fucking reason. so instead of crying like an idiot and every other girl and posting status about break up and stuff all i am gonna do is write this one thing.
I cant let anyone treat me like shit. So yeaaa i am over it though that fuck just happened like a few minutes ago but guess what, i cant let nothing change who I am. I will always be who I am. and i got bigger dreams to follow. so yeaa i gotta go now and do some photography.
byee everyone, stay strong!!!

P.S i am so PROUD of myself, i didnt shed a  single tear. oooh n by the way,  anyone whos having a break up, listen to this song, its awesome x)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmeRd-AF7gI


ooh and there are two main lessons for today. Music is the best psychatrist. and Dont Let Anyone Treat You Like Shit. ;) \m/ keep rocking, adios amigos!

Surveyyyy!!

Hey hey fellas!!
I made this random survey for teens, check it out!!(link below)

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/DQ6328X

keep struggling, one day you will fulfill your dream; your hearts desire will be complete.

"It is said that the darkest hour of the night comes just before dawn."- Paulo Coelho.

The statement I have quoted above is yet another of my believes. Its soemthing I have come to believe via my experiences in life. Paulo Coelho is an inspiration to me and every now and then during my struggle to achieve my dreams, I encounter obstacles mostly in the form of pessimist human beings and a few days ago, on 1st of July I faced the one of the most powerful among them. It upset me greatly and I surrendered unconditionally, I gave up temporarily, thinking I will arise after 3 years. But then again, as Paulo Coelho once said
"Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly."
I decided to continue, to struggle harder. Even though for a time being, I had surrendered, I had even considered committing suicide quite  a few times and as those days of misery passed by, today at dawn I found  a ray of hope.


Thats when I began to believe in the statement I have quoted at the very beginning of this entry. Just when I was about to permanently give up on my dream, thinking its bad, thinking its wrong, thinking the way those pessimists do, I found my answer. I was finally able to make my decision.
"waiting hurts. forgetting hurts. but not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering." and now that worst kind of suffering, is over, atleast for a time being. 


Now, the secret of my relief from such misery, from the worst kind of suffering lies within The Conflict Theory, a theory founded by Karl Marx(1818-1883), one of the classical founders of social sciences. This theory, in Marx's words is
"The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Freeman and slave, patrician and plebeian, lord and serf, guild-master and journeyman, in a word, oppressor and oppressed, stood in constant opposition to one another, carried on an uninterrupted, now hidden, now open fight, a fight that each time ended, either in a revolutionary re-constitution of society at large, or in the common ruin of the contending classes."__ the Communist Manifesto(1848)
Essentially what its means is that the standard of behavior shared by a group and acceptable within it must be meaningful to the individuals within the society or they will be alienated from them and rebel against them. The same implies to me, the reasons I get from those pessimists for creating unnecessary obstacles on my way to succes are not proper reasons. As a matter of fact, they dont even give reasons!! They just want their orders to be followed without any rebel, without even asking for  a reason, which is Not acceptable to me. thus I Rebel and will continue to. and Thats what I decided after reading about The Conflict Theory. 

dont let the world change who you are.

Salam world.
Today is a big day in my life and it will always be remembered by me. Right now I am very disturbed and cant even think properly. I am trying very hard to keep control of myself but if I go around breaking things and shouting at my parents, don't be surprised.
I have always felt that I have the freedom to write what I feel, to express my opinion, to do what I want but today I am not sure of any of it. So as I write, it is a grave disappointment to say that I write "carefully", wondering what would happen if nay of my family members read it. My censor mode is on. And till I am 18, it aint going off. the rebel has surrendered. the war is over. the parents have won. children are left behind, all their feelings crushed, they are supposed to keep their thoughts to themselves even if their matters are being discussed.
But no, what goes on in my heart those wonderful thoughts and dreams can not be dumped. Yes, I am surrendering but this, my dear readers, is not a permanent surrender. I will rise again, once I am 18, I will rebel again. and that time, I wont take no for an answer. if its a  no, i will runaway from my home. I'll get a part time job and earn at least enough to support myself. I will continue to study. And I will continue to dream. no one, no force in this entire world can keep me from dreaming. and even now, I dream but I stay quiet about my dreams. from this day, I will act as robot for the next 3 years, doing what my parents say, being the perfect child. but then, once these three fucking years are over, I will rise again. I will fulfill my dreams and no one will be able to stop me.
so now, even though it might seem to you that I have surrendered, its all for  a greater cause.  I am strong and now that is the worst situation ever, I have to try my best to be strong and to stop my dreams for being crushed because once I am through this, i shall have my reward.

There is more to you than what the world can see.

Hello Hello O Busy Earthlings!
Just now I was rewriting the introduction passage for my Twitter Id and I began to analyse myself. I began to write and soon crossed the world limit but I continued my self-analysis and realized that there is more to me then what the world can see. A big reason why people lack self-confidence is that they never realize what are generally known as their "hidden talents". I too lacked a lot of self-confidence but since I have a habit of doing self-analysis I have realized how I have grown more confident of myself, my actions, my thoughts and my speech, with the passage of time.
Now, you must be wondering exactly how have I become confident. Is it by improving my spoken English? No. Is it by improving my accent? My way of expressing myself? No. My beloved readers, the secret behind the growth of my confidence level is that I have realized what I am capable of doing. I have become more aware of what I can do. I know that I am a unique soul and that no one can change the way I think. Also, I experienced doing different stuff, writing for instance. Once I began to write, I realized what wonders I can compile if I let my thoughts flow freely. I realized that my thoughts and opinions differ form those of others and no one can change them. No one except me. No one except me and my God has the power to change the way I think, to change my inner thoughts. To change ME.
And  similarly, no one except you have the power to change yourself. People, what I am trying to tell you is that you should try different things and get to know what you are good at. Once you realize that you are capable of doing what no one else can do the way you do it, you will grow confident of yourself.
Thats all for today, farewell folks!

And so the Paranoid finds mental peace.

Hello Everyone. As is evident from the title of the post, I, Minahil Ghafoor, who is a very paranoid person has at last find mental peace. I had always HATED being a Facebook addict, and today the reason why I am perkily writing this post is because I finally deactivated my account after updating my last status
"I hope the exit is joyful and I hope never to return."
this is what Frida Kahlo, a famous Mexican painter of the 20th Century said about her death.  The reason why I am so happy tonight is that even though I enjoyed Facebooking but I felt that it was quite similar to "procrastination" and since I spent too much of time on it, I detested being a Facebook addict. Now the word "internet" has a whole new meaning in my head. I ow have time to pursue all the important stuff I had begun with such as blogging.
And so, the Paranoid has found mental peace. x)
Afscheid!

Keep looking, there is more.

Hey everyone. This is just a little piece of writing I wrote during my world history class while waiting for the teacher, and thought I should share it here x)

For anyone can draw,
For anyone can sing,
but not everyone believes,
believes in himself.
What lacks is not the skill of drawing,
but the courage to draw.
What lacks is not the talent of singing,
but the courage to sing.
Believe in yourself and you will do great things,
greater than anyone has ever done before.
You might think you have found yourself,
but keep looking, there is definitely more. ;)


Oh and one other message I'd like to convey to anyone who reads my blog, is
Exploit your talents as much as you can for I believe that the more you exploit them, the more chances you have to succeed.

elveda !

Worth A Listen

hey Everyone x)
This blog is solely dedicated to my favorite singer (Avril Lavigne)'s latest album(released on 8th of March, 2011) Goodbye Lullaby. She has done an amazing job and the album is definitely worth a listen. She always writes songs about her life and she released this one after her divorce with Deryck(Sum41's vocalist). She has always been a rebel and strong and thats what has always inspired me about her. And this time, after she went through probably the biggest change of her life, she plucked up enough courage to write songs about it. Its a completely different style and I am glad she risked releasing it. All those who didn't listen to her previously should definitely listen to it since it"s quite different than most of her previous songs, and those who do..wel then, all I can say is.. The woman keeps getting better and better !
Love you  always Avril
sincerely, a crazy fan
xoxo !

P.S Hope to hear more from you in the coming future. keep rocking !
you will always be looked upto.

Not much to say this time.

Hmm there isn't much to say here, the caption says it all. x)

Yet Another Teenage Rivalry

Back in grade 9 I used to have a rivalry, I hated her and she hated me because thats what rivalries are. And since I am the kind of person who does not hate people without a logic, I had a very valid reason for this hatred, she was a two faced person and I hate two faced people. She used to taunt me and bother me and so on, the typical. I left the school and very soon I realized how stupid I was to think about that rivalry all the time, I was wasting my time thinking about what some girl said to me. And now once again I have found yet another rivalry but this time I have decided not to let her get into my head and rather focus on more important stuff I have to do in my life.
Now, you must be wondering why I am wasting my precious time talking about her, well the point is, I wanted to give this advice to all of you people out there who are wasting their so very precious time pondering about their rivalries when they can surely do better stuff in life. Rivalries are nothing but a waste of time, and soon you will be realizing this. Almost every person has a rivalry at a certain stage of life, not only in their teenage but even in their adulthood. But you shouldn't really give a damn about what they say, just ignore and walk away. Thats what I did today and that's what I'll do from now on and so should you.
Adios!

That Hollywood Moment

Hey Everyone. Today I'd like to share an experience with you. My first "Hollywood moment." I have always wanted to be someone big in my life, to do something different, to be unique. I am a struggling writer, an unofficial photographer, a lyricist and many more. Today I thought it was my golden chance to hit the big screen, that sort of thing that usually happens in movies, how a small town girl all of a sudden gets a chance to realize her dream..

 A girl came up to me in academy and asked me whether I knew about the Global Peace Conference which is between students of different countries. And since I am of the right age I got really excited after hearing that and was very much looking forward to apply for it. Its a big opportunity and a very big thing which I thought might be helpful for me in future so I got the number of the in charge from her and called him up when I came home. All my way back from academy I kept praying and thinking that this might be it. My golden opportunity to get closer to my dream. But when I called him and told him that I am a private candidate of O levels and want to know the details as I look forward to apply for the interview he flatly refused to give me any information saying that it was not their policy to allow private candidates to participate. I was speechless for a few seconds on the phone, I soo badly wanted it but I couldn't participate just because i was a private candidate. That was harsh but of course, one can not argue with mother nature so I just thanked him politely and hung up the phone. But I am not going to give up on my dreams so easily and neither should you, there will be more and  better opportunities in future, at least thats what I hope. And since I strongly belief that what happens happens, happens for the best, I am not going to give up this easily. There will surely be another way, another chance for me to show myself to the world, to show who I truly am, and succeed.

bye now x)

A ray of Hope.

Hello everyone. Today as I begin to write, I once again have a thousand things on my mind and before I opened this blog, I was reading the blog of my favorite author, Paulo Coelho. and his writing inspired me to write. Not the fact how amazing and popular he is, but  what he had written convinced em to persuade this blog as publishing a book, remains to be one of my many goals in life.

He had actually posted a page from his book, the Alchemist. That book is  a ray of  hope for me and will surely act as one for those who dream. And since everybody has a dream, because thats the only reason why they strive and work so hard, I think that everybody should read it. And if not the entire book, read this; http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2011/02/12/character-of-the-week-the-alchemist/


There isn't much to write about, I havent really been in touch with my diary either, but I think that this link of an inspirational note should do the trick ;)

Oh and one more thing, in my opinion every one should work for the betterment of humanity. So that we all have a better future. People should stop bring selfish and just once, Once, in their lifetime to do something for the betterment of humanity.

okie, bye now.(btw just now I was going to write "love you all" then I realized I don't really have any readers :S)  well, maybe I should start publishing the link of this blog here and there. x)

A passionate Writer

hello. I wonder if anyone is ever going to read this blog for I don't actually post the links of my blog anywhere and never do I give others's their links( i have 2 more blogs, shhhhh ;D ).

 I have  always been a quiet and reserved soul though I can become quite euphoric when I'm with people my age. But that's not the point. The thing is that I've always been a diary writer, a passionate diary writer. I love to write and I also love using the computer so instead of writing all this, which I'm about to write, on a piece of actual paper I decided to make a blog.

I had one before as well but due to certain reasons, I stopped writing in it/ (I'll share the reasons with you some other time but not now, I have a lot on mind right now.) Actually, I always have a lot on mind. I can never stop thinking (except when i'm asleep of course) and that's what urges me to write. My mind gets cramped up by thoughts which I can not hold in my head anymore and thus I begin to write. I haven't written much for the past few weeks, just a few diary entries but now, I was just about to study but I knew I wouldn't be able to concentrate. Once in a while I just need to write a lengthy piece of writing which does not contain the past incidents of my life, but my thoughts. I do keep a diary as well but in it I usually share and write about what has been going in my life on where as on my blog I just let my thoughts flow free irrespective of the fact whether they are making any sense or not. 

I just need to empty my head every once in a while so I write a blog otherwise I can't concentrate on my studies (which I need to do since I have big exams coming up this May D: ) And that's the reason why I am going to conclude this post now and hit my books. 

There's a lot more I'd like to write about for I am a passionate writer but some other time. If I continue right now, I wont be able to stop myself for the next few hours. even right now while I'm writing this a lot is going through my mind especially the fact that I am simply not able to stop myself from pressing the keys on the keyboard in front of me and sharing my thoughts.

But I should stop this at once (though i'll be coming back pretty soon) but anyways, Bye for now :)

Oh, one more thing. The reason why the name of this blog is recalcitrant thoughts is because it's true, I have uncontrollable thoughts and that's the reason why I just can't prevent myself from writing right now. Although I should be saying farewell to you (I don't even know who this "you" is for any one hardly ever reads my blog but anyways, Bye you :D ) OH WAIT, I STILL HAVEN'T completed my sentence, so as I WAS SAYING,  ALTHOUGH I SHOULD BE SAYING farewell to you, I can't because in my head these thoughts are deep and UNCONTROLLABLE. (Next time i go to a super market, I'm gonna buy a whip for them ;] )

Anyways, Bye now :D