Friday, November 11, 2011

worlds left unsaid, i hate myself.

this blog entry is for no one. i hope no one reads it ever. not even syavash. i know tehres no point in writing it oever here but my diary is too far away(i think i am going to mkae a new blog, of which's link i am not going to give to anyone or maybe keep it private) but as for now, i am too upset(and too lazy, as always) to get up n get my diary n write(with a pen; i prefer typing instead of writing).
Anyways, i am not upset because of anyone. anyone but me. its  no one's fault except a mere misunderstanding and a bit of mine. thus, "i hate myself." and i have to change. these days, not only am i overly emotional and full of acne, i have got another problem. i have started to be way too much sensitive, like my mami :s i get offended when my bestfriend calls me "crazy" though if it was anyone else, i know i wouldnt have so thats a problem. why am i getting offended by what my BESTFRIEND SAYS, SOMEONE I LOVE More thna anyone else in this fuckd up world!!! thats JUST SO WRONG/ i have to correct myself. this my goal, not gonna get offended by stupid stuff and not gonna take everything negatively. i am turning into a BIGGGG fat ass pessimist!!! an asshole. anddd saima mami though shes not an asshole but i am starting to adapt some of her bad habits which even she probably wishes she din have or atleast because of which her husbad isnt himself when hes with her, he feels uncomfortable to be with anyone else when shes there n its not because of love, its because shes overly possesive and he gets scared she might mind. so heres a list of things why i hate myself and why i got to correct myself or else i'll loos my bestfriend. becuase even now though i was really sorry, from the core of my heart, he dint even let me try much and went away because its turning into a regular thing and so my words were this time, left unsaid. though, thinking positivly(wow i cant believe i am being optimist, this goal thing must be really working) as paulo coelho said "the strongest love is love that can demonstrate its fragility" but i guess being fragile and being stupid are two dfrnt things and i should stop getting offended by what anyone says. i know i promised myself i'd never chnage, not even one bit, not even the bad habits like rebelling or disobeying because i believe that thats the stuff that makes me who i am and those who truly love me would ignore it and forgive me and accept me for who i am. but this is for someone special, some one i cant afford to loose, because if  i do, i'll loose all of myself, not just the bad habits. i know he has got some bad habits too like not doing any laad to me even if i ASK for it, and not just once, a lot of times but i love him more and i need him more than he needs me probably and even though he is always trying to win the argument but i'd rather loose the argument than loose him. so this is for syavash, i am changing myself for him and i hope it pays off.

my first try of being optimistic: i know what happened was bad, i hate fighting with my bestfriend. but then again, "what happens, happens for the best." looking in the past, all of our previous fights have only brought as closer, atleast thats what my opinion is. and they have only made me understand him better though i only got to know the bad parts about him because of that but i really do hope it was for the best. after all these fights are the ones compelling me to change myself. though my eyes are teary now, while we were talking he was in a rush so he dint let me finish trying to cheer me up and went away and now i wont get to see him and talk to him because mama is scolding me and asking me to switch the pc off aand go to sleep. and tmrw is gonna be a busy day becuase i have to buy my uniform and everything and then he'll be off to arabia so now i dont know when i'll see him again. i hate this. i hate myself. i hate fighting with him. i dont want to loose him or turn our relationship into that of faisal mamoo mami :/ i dont want to finish "us" so this is my sacrifice, for "us." i hope it pays off. the quicker i change these habits, the better. and since i am changing these for syavash i might as well thank him, "thanks Syavash.i love you."


  1. Most people in the world are afraid of change, we all live under the illusion that we are perfect, that we don't need to change, that change is bad and it it detracts us from our true self.

    And then there are those people that truly realize all of that's not true and change themselves for their own good. You're smart enough to be part of the latter group, and you're more true to yourself than most people are, and thats why I tell you, you don't appreciate yourself enough Minahil. :P As for this incident, its not such a big deal, forget it. :P

    P.S Happy Birthday ;)